Kinkiest animal countdown: Faggity Ass Fridays presents Animal Kingdom

The last Friday of the month approaches, and that means the good folks at Faggity Ass Fridays are getting ready to throw a party. The theme of this month’s event is Animal Kingdom, featuring a performance from the Dance Animal troupe. Between sets from DJ Sam and DJ Salivation Army, free animal crackers will be on hand to satiate even the most feral hunger.

Need inspiration to plan your outfit for the party? Just read about all the kinky stuff animals enjoy! After all, we humans certainly don’t have a monopoly on wild sex. Maybe you’ve heard about bonobo monkeys engaging in all sorts of pansexual activity, using physical pleasure to settle disputes, and exchanging sex for sustenance. Maybe you knew that bats are one of the few critters that engage in oral sex. But wait, there’s more…

SIZE QUEENS
Why be hung like a horse when there are barnacles? While barnacles aren’t necessarily glamorous, they’re well endowed. A barnacle’s penis is usually eight times the length of its body, the longest member relative to body size in the entire animal kingdom. Furthermore, depending on their environment, barnacles can change the shape of their genitals. Calm water makes for a long, thin penis designed for maximum reach. Rough water creates a donger that’s short and squat to withstand the current.

Credit: Chris Neufeld

THE L WORD
Whiptail lizards are a special group of reptiles because they’re all ladies. How do whiptails propagate the species? The lizards arouse one another in order to stimulate egg production and have what’s known as virgin births.

Credit: Tino Mauricio

BI-CURIOUS
The deepest recesses of the ocean are darker than any sauna or backroom. Maybe that’s why deep-sea squid Octopoteuthis deletron shags anything it can get its tentacles on. It seems that the male squid engages in bisexual behaviour and will shoot his load with any other squid he bumps into.

Credit: Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute

PLAYING SOLO
There’s a strong possibility that creatures are having sex on your face right now. Both Demodex folliculorum and Demodex brevis, microscopic mites that make their home on a person’s face, get it on around our eyebrows, eyelashes, and nose. If a suitable mate is not available, the lady Demodex has the ability to reproduce on her own.

GENDER PLAY
When garter snakes emerge for springtime in Manitoba, they huddle en masse in a big serpentine orgy. To get some company and warmth from dudes at the bottom of the group huddle, a few industrious fellows will imitate female snakes, going so far as to release femme pheromones for extra attention.

Credit: Robert Mason

WATERSPORTS
In order to verify if a giraffe is ready to mate, the suitor will drink her urine. Likewise, porcupines engage in golden showers as a courtship ritual.

Credit: Liz Leyden

EXTREME BONDAGE
Anglerfish have an intense sub/dom relationship. The gentleman angler, who is much smaller than his ladyfriend, bites onto his mate. He then releases an enzyme that digests his own skin, and the two fuse together in a permanent embrace. Once attached, the male wastes away and dies. However, whenever she needs to reproduce, she has a supply of sperm on demand.

Credit: David Paul/Mark Norman

GROUP SEX
While all sea slugs have both forms of reproductive organs, the sea hare takes things to the next level. In areas where populations are dense, sea hares often form mating chains, or even full circles of fornication.

Credit: Anne DuPont

SEXUAL REVALUATION
For hyenas, women rule the world. Their social structure is built around the dominant female. In the final stages of pregnancy, the hyena at the top of the hierarchy will release higher concentrations of androgen. Because of this, the alpha mom will give birth to a more aggressive brood, assuring her matriarchal lineage remains in place.

Credit: LA Dawson